When Does Flirting Become Cheating? 9 Red Flags |
For example, I know a woman who recently asked her husband to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was perfectly appropriate.
Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country -- much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, 'You don't actually recognize that you're growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you're having a conversation, and that's why I think it could be really seductive in some ways.'
So, when does flirting cross that invisible line from innocent bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the following nine red flags.
1. When It's Secretive.
If you are deleting your emails -- either to her or from her -- that's a red flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something.
Moreover, ask yourself this question: 'How would I feel if I knew my wife (or husband) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?' If you feel an uncomfortable knot in your stomach upon answering that question, there you go.
3. If You're Spending a Considerable Amount of Time Talking to Him/Her.
4. If You Are Rationalizing.
5. If It's Meeting Your Personal Needs.
Better to address the holes in your life and fill them in safe ways, even if you can't within your marriage. Keep in mind, a good sex life isn't just about chemistry.
6. If You Talk About Your Marriage or Your Spouse.
It's disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a flip attitude. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?
7. If Your Spouse Doesn't Like It.
You have just won a red flag if a husband or wife has expressed disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance -- that the interaction isn't totally appropriate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.
8. If Your Friend Voices Concern.
Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, 'Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to focus on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don't.' Friends, sisters and mothers can often identify the red flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.
9. If Your Intentions Are Wrong.
Let's say your wife is constantly knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose 20 pounds because she didn't intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least easy, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you're sexy, funny, smart and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective, but it's also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.